Email from Nate

So I emailed Nate a couple weeks ago. All I said was, "glad you made it home safe, happy to hear that you are home. I miss you. Kate". That's all I said. I expected him to write me back a long time ago. He didn't, so I figured he wouldn't. Well, he did yesterday. He wrote me to let me know that 1) he accidently opened a piece of my mail. So he taped it up and put it in my mom's mailbox... and 2) that he is working and will be going back to school soon. He started out by saying something about how he has been wanting to write the email ever since he received mine. Duh, it's Nate, I knew that already. I don't know. It was a good email, dont' get me wrong. It is good to hear that he is doing well and doing his thang. It just, UURGH! As soon as he is pretty much out of my mind, and I think I could possibly move on, I get something that reminds me of him, or I hear from him. Grr. ya know?

Am I going to write him back? Probably. And I am sure I am giong to be as classy as I am, telling him about how great my life is now and how I am doing well. The reality being that I don't think I will ever love a man again, or be able to give my heart for a really long time. Nor will I ever get married, because how will I know that he feels the same? By his word alone? That didn't help mine and Nates relationship. And I know what you are going to say, everything will be okay and you will love someday and you will get married. But how do you know? We rely on our faith of a God who may not even exist. We put our hope in love, but what is hope anyway? And what happens if I never love again? Will I always hope? I dont' want to. I don't want to be that 85 year old woman who had her only chance with a man 60 years before and never loved again. I am putting up a huge wall, so that some guy will have to break me down to get to me again. I have never been this way. I was always one to move on right away, and let someone else get in my heart. Not after him, oh no.

I hope he reads this someday. I hope he knows how messed up I am because of him. I will no longer trust a guy, nor will I want to be in a relationship again. I want to get married, I know I do. To have someone there for me, all the time. Someone to come home to. Maybe this is all just a dream. Maybe I'm just not the marrying kind.

I will probably write him back, probably this weekend. It will probably be a longer one that my first, because I should tell him that I have moved and all that stuff. He doesn't know yet, but he should know soon, so that he doesn't think I am trying to avoid him or whatever.

Anyway. was just thinking about this at work, needed to blog it.